Shifting from Autopilot to Awareness

I had been on autopilot internally for almost a full decade, until I realized the possibility of living another entire Second Half of life.

Oct 26, 2023

When you start categorizing your life in decades, you know you are getting along in years. I had been on autopilot internally for almost a full decade, until I realized the possibility of living another half of my life. Consequently, my Second Half realization - the one I had last year at 47 years old - was a shift out of autopilot and into cognizance. Hallelujah!

My Conversation with Clay

In 2017 I had a conversation with a coworker that I’d now like to take back. He had this diplomatic way of asking extremely personal questions. These inquiries seemed to roll around in his head until he spouted them out after all the students were gone for the day. We’d be quietly writing our special ed reports in our office and Clayton Tuttle would produce every which way to quiz me on life’s analyzing questions - in all categories of the human journey. Somehow he was able to get me to open up. I remember being completely palpable and candid with him at the time. This guy and his adorable wife had just had their second baby, so there he was with two very young/perfect children and a budding life ahead. They had just purchased their first home. He was getting established in his career, training to move up, and he was very enthusiastic about supporting our little corner of the world, our community, and our school. In his late 20’s, drive and passion exuded from his inner core. Clay was young, honest, and inquisitive. He was bright eyed and transparent. I, on the other hand, was exactly the opposite. Life had really kicked me around and my personal inner drive and passion was nil. I was quite negative about anything and everything that had to do directly with me personally. From where I was standing, I had had an amazing 20’s, but that was long gone. Life turned me upside down in my 30’s and now in my 40’s, I found myself on autopilot, pretty much pissed off and just getting through.

Don’t get me wrong, I was able to perform outwardly during this autopilot decade. I made extremely conservative decisions based on taking care of everyone around me. I worked my tail off in the home and I designed a beautiful life for my family. I fell in love and remarried the most supportive and safe guy on the planet. How amazing it was to find him. I killed it in my position at work, completing all the required tasks with the highest performance. Although I had been able to outwardly build a comfortable situation for those around me, on the inside I was very numb and hopeless for anything passionate or creative in my future. I loved serving but my lifeless soul was not being fed. I was a machine everyday. I did not make choices that nourished myself on the inside - that made me feel alive. Autopilot.

During one of our conversations I remember Clay inquiring of my future dreams and passions. He asked things like: If I could quit teaching, what would my dream job look like? Where would I like to live if I could live anywhere? What did I like to do outside of work? I frankly told him that I had done everything and there was nothing more I wanted or needed to do. My answer was so final. There was a huge mental block for any further exploration of possibility. At that time, I couldn’t even afford to think of answering those questions for myself. My own wants. The minutes of my days were spent caring for others. I didn’t have time to sit and think, much less sit and dream. I HAD done A LOT in my 20’s and opportunities like what I experienced then were now gone, never to return. In reality, I truly felt that I had no hope of anything for myself anymore. I didn’t think my personal interests mattered. I had long stuffed them down underneath, along with all of my life’s failures…never to recall or face again. I just needed to get my kids raised and then I could live out the rest of my days steady and safe - with little excitement. Just get through.

Can I take my answers back?

Now when I think about that specific conversation, it’s not the personal information that I gave out that I want to take back, it’s the type of answers I gave. I want to take them back. Back then, in the dregs of my inner pity party, I was convinced that I would not be afforded any chance of dreaming. Much less an opportunity to pursue those dreams. I had no hope. But now I’ve awakened with the fact that I possibly have a whole Second Half to live!! I am convinced that I can dream. I can do things. I can do more than I ever thought possible. A few wrong turns in life gave me my own sour attitude, which was the anchor holding me back. And now I’ve changed that sour attitude to a positively charged outlook!

Since shifting out of autopilot, I have found that learning is delicious. During my autopilot decade, I had no desire to learn new things. My brain was either shut down or at capacity. Now I crave learning. I won’t lie, I may be at capacity on a tired afternoon, but my brain usually sparks back up in the evening and my mind and soul are alive, ready for more. I feel curious again, like I did when I was a child. It’s a marvelous feeling to be curious and wanting. A professional therapist might tether the aloofness decade to trauma - I’m sure of it. But I must have eventually powered through that traumatic experience. Powered through 23 years of raising kids, ha ha, kidding. Now I’ve come up for a huge fresh breath of air and it's so clear, so good.

A few months ago I interviewed a Transformational Self Love Coach named Stacey Short. She gave some very sound advice for those of us who have gone through it: “Women need to know that they are not alone. That they are not crazy. That there is life after 40, or after divorce, or after loss, or after…after.” More days than not, more hours than not, more minutes than not, those with personalities like mine fall into a black hole and feel like the future is hopeless. I shouldn’t have wasted an entire decade being grumpy and asleep at the wheel. I’m so glad I finally snapped out of that funk! Here’s to my next decade of being cognizant, aware, and on fire for learning, growing and doing!

💙Carami

“Women need to know that they are not alone. That they are not crazy. That there is life after 40, or after divorce, or after loss, or after…after.”

-Stacey Short, A Few Short Minutes Coaching